I am broken and gone. The worst has happened

 What in the actual Fuck?

This is real. The biggest fear has come to pass. I lost my kids. He took my kids. He broke my kids. I don't know why I've stayed at this point. They're long gone. The only thing that kept me alive, kept me going ... was fighting for them. But they aren't my children anymore. They are victims of his abuse. Alienation, threats, gaslighting, misrebrance of the past. He's had two years to drill it into them. But he started years before he threw me out - by arrest. He stole my children, my home, my family, my business and even took away my dreams. I'll never have a career. I'm going to  be a pathetic 60 year old dog walker. I'm hoping my parents are very much incapacitated soon. I want them to realize that they started writing off the only person who cared about them when I was nine years old. If I'm lucky my dad will do something stupid and just die. I've sat in the ICU with him as a John Doe more than once. He will be a better parent to me 6 feet under than he ever has alive. If I'm really lucky... he'll take the psycho wife with him. Two birds. My mother, I missed her at first. But when I've realized what she's become ... she's already a zombie. She was a terrible mother and when I didn't think she could get worse ... MY broken heart over losing my kids to my narcissist ex was too stressful for her. If I'm lucky, the stress will take her out.

I will not attend or even take part in planning these funerals. By dad ... he doesn't have anyone else. My mom, I can only hope I'm not named on anything. Most importantly, for the first time in my life, if they could be helpful loving parents, they will be 6ft under by December 

Yes, it has been a very long time since posting anything. I have kept myself busy with stupid viral videos, NetFlix, Facebook, and any other distraction. I thought I dealt with grief, but I ignored it. I ignored grief as long as possible. I have amazing kids. Children are my life. Especially after losing my baby.
They grow up. I can't be their "everything" I tried. But I have failed. I don't know what comes next. I love them. I'm so sorry, if I haven't lived up to that.

"happy" birthday sweet girl

There are so many things I remember, so poignantly. We had a brand new livingroom, which was gorgeous. Casper decorated it while My mother took Kale, Timber, and me to Pisgah View, NC. We came home to this amazing livingroom that looked like the "move that bus" guy had stopped in and redecorated. The living room, which is probably the second most used place in the house was amazing. I was a nesting-nut about three weeks before Story was born. I still have my "to-do" list locked away with her stuff. It all got taken care of. The house was perfect. I knew I was in labor about 3:40am, for certain,
When Diane and Shannon (and her baby boy Jaxson) arrived, I was contentedly camped out on the couch. Watching RENT. They proceeded to come in and make small talk and set up. This part of being content on the couch goes back to the amazing livingroom that Casper had created. It was peaceful and perfect.
I labored on the couch and with my ball in front of Rent. I eventually moved to our garden tub. The CD player was ready with RENT OBC
I labored and kept slipping in my giant tub. Finally, giving up hope of any real bearings, I ran to my closet and grabbed the biggest towel I could find. I was shivering. My body gave up trying to regulate temperature, so close to birth.  I shivered my way to my plastic-wrapped bed, and there our sweet daughter was born with just a few fun and easy (OUCH - nothing easy about having a baby out of water!!) she was finally out and I finally held her. My son cut her cord and Daddy immediately held her. I didn't think to have a camera on hand. It was all so quick.

Happy Anniversary RENT

Yes, this is the first update in a LONG while

"Jelly Bean" is *finally* sleeping. Comfortably, soundly, sleeping. 

*me staring intently* Ok he's breathing. I should sleep.
Close eyes and try to sleep. 
WHY is he *SO* soundly sleeping?!
This can't be good.
*me staring intently* <sigh> I will not sleep

and here I will sit for the rest of the night

<intently staring>

The life of a SIDS mom.

national remembrance day

This is the proclamation made 24 years ago:

By the President of the United States of America

A Proclamation

Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988, offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems.

Health care professionals recognize that trends of recent years, such as smaller family size and the postponement of childbearing, adds another dimension of poignance to the grief of parents who have lost infants. More than 700 local, national, and international support groups are supplying programs and strategies designed to help parents cope with their loss. Parents who have suffered their own losses, health care professionals, and specially trained hospital staff members are helping newly bereaved parents deal constructively with loss.

Compassionate Americans are also assisting women who suffer bereavement, guilt, and emotional and physical trauma that accompany post-abortion syndrome. We can and must do a much better job of encouraging adoption as an alternative to abortion; of helping the single parents who wish to raise their babies; and of offering friendship and temporal support to the courageous women and girls who give their children the gifts of life and loving adoptive parents. We can be truly grateful for the devotion and concern provided by all of these citizens, and we should offer them our cooperation and support as well.

The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October 1988 as ``Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month'' and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month.

Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.

In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-fifth day of October, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirteenth.

Ronald Reagan

life

     We are all sick this week. Like, whiny, snotty, feverish, delirious, curl-up-in-a-ball, s.i.c.k! It's fun to be pregnant & sick, ALSO trying to play mom and caretaker. Hubster is sick too, so I can't even try to pawn off a bunch of stuff on him. (Though, I have to be very thankful for the fact that he is still running around and doing far more than I am.) These little things, life, they are things I now complain about. Is it odd to think this way? For three years I would hear people complain about little things, trivial things; or worse, things their kids were doing, and think, "my baby is dead". I am not saying complaining is purposely offensive and that I don't do it ... but I have come to a point where suddenly I realize I am complaining a bit about the little things in life. It still scares me that life can go on. I remember the hour-to-hour thought when Story first died ... How can anyone go on about their lives? Why didn't the world stand still?

     I am a little confused as to where I am going with this. Especially since I sat down to type about the utterly heartbreaking "A Major Event in my Life" article that my son wrote in class today. That is really why I logged in to update. (And no, I still haven't finished the unbelievable saga of the events that took place in July.) So, I am complaining. I don't feel good, I can't seem to stay on top of housework, kids' schoolwork, the animals, rescue work, home school events, etc. For those who have recently endured a loss ... I am very sorry for complaining. It is really all trivial. I am a little scared. I guess this means I am healing, but never getting over it. Constantly trying to understand the new normal that I am living.

missing pieces

I saw this picture and really had to think. At first glance my mind assumed it was Chapel, but I knew it was not. Then, I realized how emotionally and mentally gone I was, for at least a year following Story's death. I am watching all the things Chapel is doing now (she is the age Timber was when Story died) and I truly can't remember her being this age. The same for Kale; he went from preschooler to big kid overnight.