Story's Lamb

Yes, it has been a very long time since posting anything. I have kept myself busy with stupid viral videos, NetFlix, Facebook, and any other distraction. I thought I dealt with grief, but I ignored it. I ignored grief as long as possible. I have amazing kids. Children are my life. Especially after losing my baby.
They grow up. I can't be their "everything" I tried. But I have failed. I don't know what comes next. I love them. I'm so sorry, if I haven't lived up to that.

"happy" birthday sweet girl

There are so many things I remember, so poignantly. We had a brand new livingroom, which was gorgeous. Casper decorated it while My mother took Kale, Timber, and me to Pisgah View, NC. We came home to this amazing livingroom that looked like the "move that bus" guy had stopped in and redecorated. The living room, which is probably the second most used place in the house was amazing. I was a nesting-nut about three weeks before Story was born. I still have my "to-do" list locked away with her stuff. It all got taken care of. The house was perfect. I knew I was in labor about 3:40am, for certain,
When Diane and Shannon (and her baby boy Jaxson) arrived, I was contentedly camped out on the couch. Watching RENT. They proceeded to come in and make small talk and set up. This part of being content on the couch goes back to the amazing livingroom that Casper had created. It was peaceful and perfect.
I labored on the couch and with my ball in front of Rent. I eventually moved to our garden tub. The CD player was ready with RENT OBC
I labored and kept slipping in my giant tub. Finally, giving up hope of any real bearings, I ran to my closet and grabbed the biggest towel I could find. I was shivering. My body gave up trying to regulate temperature, so close to birth.  I shivered my way to my plastic-wrapped bed, and there our sweet daughter was born with just a few fun and easy (OUCH - nothing easy about having a baby out of water!!) she was finally out and I finally held her. My son cut her cord and Daddy immediately held her. I didn't think to have a camera on hand. It was all so quick.

Happy Anniversary RENT

Yes, this is the first update in a LONG while

"Jelly Bean" is *finally* sleeping. Comfortably, soundly, sleeping. 

*me staring intently* Ok he's breathing. I should sleep.
Close eyes and try to sleep. 
WHY is he *SO* soundly sleeping?!
This can't be good.
*me staring intently* <sigh> I will not sleep

and here I will sit for the rest of the night

<intently staring>

The life of a SIDS mom.

national remembrance day

This is the proclamation made 24 years ago:

By the President of the United States of America

A Proclamation

Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988, offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems.

Health care professionals recognize that trends of recent years, such as smaller family size and the postponement of childbearing, adds another dimension of poignance to the grief of parents who have lost infants. More than 700 local, national, and international support groups are supplying programs and strategies designed to help parents cope with their loss. Parents who have suffered their own losses, health care professionals, and specially trained hospital staff members are helping newly bereaved parents deal constructively with loss.

Compassionate Americans are also assisting women who suffer bereavement, guilt, and emotional and physical trauma that accompany post-abortion syndrome. We can and must do a much better job of encouraging adoption as an alternative to abortion; of helping the single parents who wish to raise their babies; and of offering friendship and temporal support to the courageous women and girls who give their children the gifts of life and loving adoptive parents. We can be truly grateful for the devotion and concern provided by all of these citizens, and we should offer them our cooperation and support as well.

The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October 1988 as ``Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month'' and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month.

Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.

In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-fifth day of October, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirteenth.

Ronald Reagan

life

     We are all sick this week. Like, whiny, snotty, feverish, delirious, curl-up-in-a-ball, s.i.c.k! It's fun to be pregnant & sick, ALSO trying to play mom and caretaker. Hubster is sick too, so I can't even try to pawn off a bunch of stuff on him. (Though, I have to be very thankful for the fact that he is still running around and doing far more than I am.) These little things, life, they are things I now complain about. Is it odd to think this way? For three years I would hear people complain about little things, trivial things; or worse, things their kids were doing, and think, "my baby is dead". I am not saying complaining is purposely offensive and that I don't do it ... but I have come to a point where suddenly I realize I am complaining a bit about the little things in life. It still scares me that life can go on. I remember the hour-to-hour thought when Story first died ... How can anyone go on about their lives? Why didn't the world stand still?

     I am a little confused as to where I am going with this. Especially since I sat down to type about the utterly heartbreaking "A Major Event in my Life" article that my son wrote in class today. That is really why I logged in to update. (And no, I still haven't finished the unbelievable saga of the events that took place in July.) So, I am complaining. I don't feel good, I can't seem to stay on top of housework, kids' schoolwork, the animals, rescue work, home school events, etc. For those who have recently endured a loss ... I am very sorry for complaining. It is really all trivial. I am a little scared. I guess this means I am healing, but never getting over it. Constantly trying to understand the new normal that I am living.

missing pieces

I saw this picture and really had to think. At first glance my mind assumed it was Chapel, but I knew it was not. Then, I realized how emotionally and mentally gone I was, for at least a year following Story's death. I am watching all the things Chapel is doing now (she is the age Timber was when Story died) and I truly can't remember her being this age. The same for Kale; he went from preschooler to big kid overnight.

so much ....

As usual, I have a book I could write about the month of July. In fact, it reads like a fictional drama when I review the past month in my head. Hard to believe it all really happened. I suppose I will get to writing that tomorrow, in between work and taking one of our rescue dogs to meet her new family (YAY!). (rescue620.weebly.com/) 

So to bide the time, I thought I would go ahead and share the exclusive engagement we will be attending/participating in.

realization

It has been a while since I have added anything to this blog. I don’t think there is really anyone who reads it so I suppose I blog more for myself than anything else; but hey, if my random thoughts and ramblings can help someone else, I suppose that is the reason I put it all out there. I logged into facebook this morning (who am I kidding, I am always logged into facebook) and my friend’s blog was at the top of my news feed. Her daughter is in heaven with Story. She is expecting a little girl this year. The blog is a letter to her daughter in heaven and in the letter she promised to tell the new baby all about her sister she would never meet. I struggled to catch my breath as I realized that Chapel would never know Story. Even if she was here on this earth for a short amount of time, my children knew her as their sister. The held her, loved her, and she was real to them. She will only ever be a story (pun not intended but so painfully true) to Chapel.  

heaven

In an online support group for families whose babies were claimed by SIDS/SUID we were having a conversation about how God uses each one of us to help others going through the same thing we are experiencing. A very wise friend in the group posted the following:

"I hate that any of us need the comfort and insight that we share!!!!! I don't want to minister to anyone because I don't want anyone to NEED to be ministered to!!!! But, for some reason, this is how God designed it... I wish it was all milk and honey and the Garden of Eden, but it isn't. Someday, though, someday we will be in Heaven, at the feet of Jesus, with our precious babies right there with us. One day, I told a good friend that I was a little afraid of going to Heaven... I was afraid I would not pay proper respect to Jesus because I would be pushing him aside so I could find Tommy. My friend looked at me and said, "Cinnamon, you won't have to. He already knows your heart... He will be holding Tommy when you get there." Praise God for a savior that knows our heart and our hurt! I just wish we didn't have any hurt!"

It has really stuck with me. At first I burst into tears, because that is exactly how I feel, I can't wait to get to Heaven so I can hold Story again; and then, I felt like I was disrespecting my Savior by thinking that way. I am so glad Cinnamon could put it so eloquently into words.

I also recently heard this song, which I think goes so well with this post.

our father who art in heaven

I will not ever forget the night I pulled the covers up to tuck Kale in and asked him to say his prayers. We don’t really have a specific prayer that we say every night, he is always welcome so speak to The Good Lord about anything, often he would recite the Lords Prayer, which we had studied, so he understood what he was praying.

I believe it was August 2nd 2009. Kale looked at me, and then fell onto me - not as a child, but a grieving big brother - something he should never have to experience as a child. He was asked by our pastor to come up to the pulpit and say the Lords Prayer at Story’s memorial on July 31, 2009. Kale was well versed in this prayer and had such a deep connection with Story - he was locked eyes with the canvas that Cristy Nielson so generously created for our family. Microphone in hand, Kale prayed. I think everyone had tears in their eyes. Back to August 2^nd - he told me he didn’t want to pray because it made him cry.

What do you tell a 7-year-old who was not refusing to pray, but physically ached at the thought; it hurt deep in his soul to realize this loss. He just could not understand why *ALL* of our earnest prayers did not bring her back. He burst into tears. He would not hold me or talk about it further. To this day he will only recite The Lords Prayer with Timber; who is still learning and doesn’t know the prayer in its entirety. Kale will do anything for his sisters.

I grieve and tear up, quite frequently, knowing he should have another younger sister and to go into the thoughts of what he must feel about not having his big brother. Kale is a child who lives to love and all of this is missing in his life. My sweet boy is an 8-year-old that will happily change a cloth diaper, feed his baby sister, help his middle sister with anything she needs, and he enjoys doing all of this. Kale was the one to cut Story’s umbilical cord. He feels the loss. I desperately wish I could take it all away. He shouldn’t be going through this. What really blows me away is that his primary concern is for how I am coping. He truly is an amazing child and wise beyond his years.

happy birthday

Story Time Ministries DoSomething.org Scavenger Hunt

Click Here To Get Started

What is the Scavenger Hunt?
The Scavenger Hunt is 11 days of challenges that can win you prizes AND make your community a better place.

How does it work?
Each day starting July 11th we'll send daily challenges right to your cell phone or e-mail inbox. Alternately, you can check out the daily challenges right here. If you're not currently signed up to receive challenges on your cell phone, you can text HUNT to 30644 and get daily text messages. The challenges will always be something you can do in your community, alone or with your team.
Can I report back on challenges after July 21st?
YES! You'll have until July 25th to report back on all completed challenges.
Can I only complete the challenge for a certain day on that day?
Nope! Once a challenge is released, you're welcome to complete it throughout the Scavenger Hunt. For example, you can complete Day 1's challenge on Day 5!
How does report back work?
If you are using your cell phone, you will need to stay tuned for each challenge and the keyword required to report that you've completed it. If you are using the web, you will just need to click the Report Back button next to that day’s challenge. For some challenges, you will be given the option to send in a photo of you and your team completing the challenge.
Do I need to be part of a team?
Nope, if you want you can take part all by yourself. We definitely suggest that you join with a team, though- the more team members you have, the more points you can get, and getting more points gives you a bigger chance of winning a trip to L.A.!
How big do teams have to be?
Teams can be as small as you and your best friend or as large as you and your soccer team!
Does every team member need to report back?
One or all of your team members can report back. We know what team you're on, so your points will only be counted once. BUT, every day we're giving away Bonus prizes of Lenovo laptops. These laptops are given to individuals who report back. So, everyone on your team who reports back has a chance to win a laptop of their own.
How do I send in a photo?
If you are using your mobile phone, you can e-mail us a photo at huntpics@dosomething.org. If you are participating via the web, you will be able to submit it online. When you send in a pic, you quadruple your points for that challenge! So, get snapping!
How can I win prizes?
We're giving out Lenovo laptops for different actions each day. We can’t tell you exactly what you’ll have to do each day without giving away the challenges. But, we can tell you how to make sure that you’re eligible to win. To be eligible to win prizes make sure that you:

• Complete a challenge and tell us about it.
• Verify that you've completed a challenge by snapping a pic and uploading it when you report back, or by e-mailing the photo to huntpics@dosomething.org
• Complete challenges early- some days we'll offer prizes to the first people to send in a picture of the challenge they completed.

How can I win scholarships?
We're awarding $500 scholarships to every member of one randomly selected team (up to 11 members) that has signed up by the first day of the Scavenger Hunt, July 11th.
How do I verify that I did a challenge?
To verify with your phone, just follow the instructions that we'll text out to you. To verify online, go to the challenges page, and follow the instructions!