"When Tomorrow Starts Without Me"

Every morning was a struggle. I bought black-out curtains to put over the window in our bedroom. Waking up was torture. Those first two weeks were like a bad dream and it seemed like nothing was real. As reality began to sink in, waking up meant that she was not here. It meant that I would have to get out of bed and exist without her. My baby is dead. Cold hard words to type ... unbearable to live through. I remember the first few mornings without my Story. I woke up and thought for sure it was a horrible nightmare. It couldn't be real. I would roll over and reach for the cosleeper, completely expecting her to be there. Then, as my hand met the empty spot in the bed where the cosleeper had been, I would burst into uncontrollable sobbing. I couldn't believe it was true. The fog lifted and took with it my denial. I was now somewhat coherent and fully feeling, fully aching, desperately wanting .... I was raw with emotion. Sleep did not come easy, in fact it still doesn't. Closing my eyes more often than not, means reliving the Emergency Room. If I was fortunate enough to drift into unconsciousness, waking up was a like a cruel joke. Every morning I had to move forward, my day would start without her. A dear friend sent me this poem in the days following Story's death. I can only pray this is what she would say to me.

as it creeps closer

Never in my childhood lifetime did I think I would ever dread Christmas.
I was only a child for a short time. I had to grow up too soon. I was in college at 17 years old, two years before I was supposed to graduate from high school. I had my first child at 18 years old. His birth changed everything and made me more of an adult than I already thought I was. Birth, babies, and being a mom consumed me. Family life has been such a joy, but always sprinkled with a longing for our first-born.

We've done it up for every holiday. But, the rigmarole of Thanksgiving into Christmas into New Years was overwhelming last year. It was the 9^th year without our firstborn child and the first year without our baby girl.
Caressing the outfit we already had for her first Christmas was too much. Of course we had cute little things as we anticipated the future with her - who doesn't expect their child to live?
The eye rolls, and actual suggestions to move on or stop dragging it out where shocking to me. I just can’t understand how quickly anyone can forget. I don’t want to move on. I want to always have her in our lives. The popular consensus seems to think that since she died a year ago, why in the world would we want to mourn on Christmas? This little girl was a child we prayed for, tried for and successfully birthed. She died of no known cause, she wasn't sick; she was our perfect baby who just died.

This year is slightly easier than last year. We had so many friends that told
us (all of them have lost children, 18 months to 21 years old) that we would only have a window of 6 months of sympathy when Story died. After that, it would only be scrutiny for not jumping back into life. I cannot believe how true this is.
Decorating the tree today, I helped hang ornaments and put on garland, but I still have Story's ornaments hidden away. I'll hang them now that the children are asleep and won’t see the tears as I put them up. She should be here. There's no rhyme or reason. I close my eyes and see her angelic face. Maybe this time, when I open them I will make up from this nightmare.

holidays after loss

I'm sitting here thinking of the utter paralyzation I felt as the holidays hit, after Story died last year in July.

Chapel was born in God’s perfect timing (three weeks before her due date) - 2 days after her sister's would-be-first-birthday. I looked at Chapel tonight, thinking of the upcoming Holidays and felt the "empty arm syndrome" just as I did when Story so abruptly died last year. She *should* be here. It hurts so badly that she isn't here.

We have always done it up for all holidays. We have five giant boxes of Halloween decorations that we pulled down from the attic and never put up. They’re still sitting in the hallway.

Last year, Casper pulled everything down for Christmas and put up a ton of lights outside. His motivation was that if he put up enough lights maybe Story could see us from Heaven. He put the tree up and the stockings. I think that's all we put up.

But it's SUCH a far cry from normal. We've always done it up for every holiday. Halloween we have decorated, planned matching costumes, and planned trick-or-treating at least a month prior. Thanksgiving hasn't really been "normal" since my Grandma died, but we still did something memorable every year. I can't even remember Thanksgiving last year. I think we watched the parade. Maybe ate a Turkey sandwich.

The most memorable Christmas moment last year was walking through he Fashion Square Mall, teary-eyed, and on a mission. A friend told me they had a booth with personalized ornaments. I hadn't even taken my kids to get their picture with Santa getting Story’s ornament was all I could think of. So I wearily walked to the booth and picked out and ornament for the cemetery and an ornament for our tree. I tenderly brought them to the kiosk owner. She asked the name and I burst into tears. I spelled Story’s name. She gave me the second ornament as a gift. I cried and hugged her. She told me she had lost her daughter at a young age over 20 years ago.

The kiosk was across from Santa. They reminded me they hadn't seen Santa yet. I had dressed them in their best clothes and waited an hour for Santa pictures previously. It didn't matter to me anymore. I just walked right in; they saw the tears pouring down and offered to give me pictures. I didn't want them, the kids were still wearing PJ tops; but they gave me the photos.

Then, we drove to the cemetery, which was right around the corner. I have a more detailed post on that horrifying adventure.

Today, I look back, what a nightmare. Then, I look at Chapel <heart in my throat>; Story would've been doing the same things at this age last year. She would be wide-eyed at all of the lights and presents piling under the tree. There is so much of me missing. Our family feels so broken. Keegan 9-1/2 and Story (would be) 1-1/2 – they aren’t here and they never will be.

HOW DO YOU GET WITH THE HOLIDAYS, WHEN YOU JUST WANT TO HIDE FROM THEM?
          - responses -

Andrea,
I've never birthed and lost a child, so I can only imagine that profound brand of pain. I've had pregnancy losses, but I don't believe those compare.
I have, however, had some traumatic events unfold that seemed like I was never, ever going to get beyond them. Triggers were everywhere and they seemed to throw me right back into the middle of my pain. It felt like I was never going to feel anything but that horrible sadness as I relived it over and over again.
The only thing I know to tell you is that as cliche as it is, time does heal. You can't speed it up, and you can't force the healing, but you are not going to feel like this forever.
Some days, all you have to do is get through that one day. When missing Story hits like physical pain, I'd hold on to that, mourn her, miss her, love her, and then I'd try to find something, anything,
to redirect my emotions. Perhaps have a plan, or a routine, in place for when the grief threatens to drag you under. Nobody has to do it by themselves all the time, sweetheart. Asking for help because you're having a hard day is one of the best things you can do.
There was a statistic I read on grief and healing once that said at around the two year mark, the pain should become bearable. I know that this has been true for me, and I pray it will be for you too.
I would imagine new holiday traditions like including buying Story's ornament each year would help. You can't ever go back to life before that sweet girl came, but you can make a new kind of normal. You are making a new kind of normal.
Lots of love for you and your family.

surprise baby girl

She was born July 17, 2010. A serene, very quick, and peaceful birth. She is perfect in every way. Baby Girl Branagan was a surprise in all ways she arrived. Born early, or should I say in God's perfect timing? (I always go to 42 weeks), fast, painless, in the water, very tiny, and a girl (we were so sure she was a boy)! 

We literally went through over 100 names that we had tossed around throughout the pregnancy and the ones we procured after she was born. All of them unique, many Casper called "not names", but none that we could both see calling our baby girl. Finally, Chapel was inspired by a name Casper came up with. He said, Raleigh - which we both liked (living in NC was a great time in our lives). I thought for a second, "Well, Chapel makes more sense, we lived there." (Chapel Hill) We knew her middle name as soon as we knew she was a girl. My grandmother, Dorothy Jean, was an amazing woman, and I only wish she was here to meet her great grand daughter.
July will forever be an emotionally charged month for our family.

butterflies instead of parties

Story's (what would be) first birthday was spent as a family today. We ordered butterflies from Lukas Butterfly Nursery (highly recommend for any butterfly release) 2 weeks ago. We started the morning of making French toast and then in our prayers thanking the Lord for the short time with Story, that she may continue to touch lives. Kale was so excited to make the French toast for the first time.

We cleaned a bit and got dressed to leave. I couldn't help but retrieve the pearls my grandmother left me, which I was wearing when Story was born, and put them on before we left. They've been tucked in a drawer with all of her other mementos.

I did finish her shadowbox last week. (I make shadow boxes for all of my kids with the clothes they wore at birth and any mementos from birth, as well as the baby's first picture.) Her shadow box is proudly displayed with my other three children's shadow boxes.

I digress....

After our fun breakfast, we got dressed. Timber decked out in a butterfly dress and a flower bow in her hair, and Kale wanting to look nice in a polo and khakis. We went to Lukas Butterfly to pick up out order; A gorgeous basket of large ornate indigenous butterflies, and a smaller box of (just as ornate) indigenous butterflies in single envelopes.

We planted butterfly plants, for two weeks, around the willow tree that was gifted to us last year on the day of her funeral. We call it "Story's Tree". Today we sang Happy Birthday as we untied the basket of large butterflies and released them by Story's Tree.

Then, one by one the kids opened the second box with the individual envelopes and released an assortment of butterflies.

I can't help but mention the "moment" Timber had. She has never absorbed Story's death so deeply.... After picking up the butterflies we were headed home. As we pulled into our neighborhood, Timber started crying and screaming. I asked her to calm down and tell me what was wrong. Through deep gasps, she replied. "We didn't get Story yet!! It's her birthday, where is she?!" I tried to explain that we were picking up butterflies for Story and they would fly to heaven and tell her Happy Birthday. She said, "It's Story's birthday! Where is she?!!" I was talking through tears at this point. "She's in heaven." Timber stopped crying and thought about it. We came inside and she ran to Casper crying - "Mom, said Story is in heaven.... but it's her birthday party. I want Story." She hasn't had a reaction this deep, ever. It was a really hard moment.

After the butterfly release I had wood crafts (a cross and an angel) for the kids to paint and place around Story's willow tree when they were done. Casper and I sat and talked with them as they painted. It was a really nice bonding moment.

When the crafts were finished, we went out to Build-a-Bear and Kale and Timber made a bear and bunny (respectively). We thought these would be wonderful momentos to make and keep in memory of Story's first birthday. They print out birth certificates for their animals, so I love that they have this with her birthday on it.

It was an amazing day to remember her life and a very emotional day as well.

Happy Birthday Story. We love you and miss you.

Here is the photo album with photos and videos of butterflies and the whole day:

http://s50.photobuc ket.com/albums/ f312/spazzers/ Story%20first% 20birthday/

Thanks for looking. It was a very special day.

pregnancy announcement

I must say something in hindsight. The link (which has not changed since posted in 2008) was our fun way of slipping in a cute pregnancy announcement. I have re-read our letter a couple of times. I cry for the "me" I used to be. This happy stranger was me! I look at the picture every now and again; I want to close my eyes, click my heels, and long to go back to that moment. Our fun, happy pregnancy announcement was us sharing with the world a splendid addition to our family. A future of joy, diapers, cute little clothes, big brother and big sister - a family of five.

The Branagan's Christmas Letter

       (Yup, another one!)

Good Christmas to all! Wow, how has another year passed already? How is it possible we just celebrated the kids' birthdays? Kale turned 6 an d Timber turned 2 on December 3. For their birthdays, we were super-blessed by our mom and dad Mamola, who gave us an awesome vacation to Jersey and New York for the kids' birthdays. What an amazing time! Kale and Timber enjoyed every minute of Grandma and Grandpa time, and the touristy stuff in New York City was just icing on the cake. We went to see the Rockettes Christmas Show, which was breathtaking. Our trip to F.A.O Swartz could have kept us there for days – not just for the kids – but the adults were having just as much fun. The freezing cold was refreshing . . . not so much to the kids – but for us, it was great to have a white Christmas. Yes, it snowed the last day we were in Jersey. God knew how much we needed the snow! Kale learned how to ice skate, within just a few minutes, in the famous Rockefeller Center Ice Rink. We visited quite few tourist spots in New Jersey and New York, including The Life Café (to get our RENT fix!), but the main attraction was great grandma's surprise birthday party! If only we could visit more often.
Things have really been happening for Casper at work. I can't brag enough about what an amazing integrity he has with even the highest managers in his company. He has been within the top three sales people in the entire company for four months in a row. Just two months ago he was the number one sales person for Massey Services. He truly believes in what he is doing and cares about all of his customers. He's gone above and beyond the call of his job for years and now his customers and superiors responding with resounding praise. He just took the last state board test to be a "triple threat" he will soon hold accreditations in all three fields that Massey works with – Pest Control, Termite, and he just completed Lawn & Ornamental, he will be one of a very select few within the state who holds all three certifications.
The Branagan's are on a roll with new frontiers! We have a great new project under construction! But you must check this website to see what's going on:  http://i430.photobucket.com/albums/qq21/cxbranagan/underconstruction.jpg  (As if the letter isn't enough?!) The site should be up and running by Christmas. We cannot wait to hear feedback!
Casper was named the Youth Director of our church. We go to Woodbury Presbyterian Church every Wednesday night and Casper leads the youth group, called Y-Zone. We also teach the middle and high school Sunday school class on Sunday morning. Kale and Timber are the "Y-Zone Mascots" because they hang out with all the middle and high school kids, as well as attend all the Y-zone functions. It's kind of funny how much our young kids have taught the teenagers about life and faith in Jesus. What a blessing Kale and Timber are to everyone who knows them.
We're thrilled with everything the Lord is doing in our lives. We're hoping to close on a house in January. It is a beautiful house in Christmas, Florida that sits on 2 acres. We plan to start a farm and mobile petting zoo. Everyone always said I'd end up working with animals as a career! I'm still caring for children during the day. Right now, I have three great kids that come during the week. They all get along so well. It's a treat to watch them play and interact. Home schooling is working out well for Kale and I. He is very intelligent, creative, and artistic. It just blows me away, how quickly he picks up on anything we're studying. He's reading and writing and has decided he wants to be a mechanical engineer and build robots when he grows up. Timber is a little spitfire who loves to play and do everything her big brother does.  She's talking and it seems she went straight from crawling to running! What a daredevil. There's so much more we could say about the joy and blessings in this past year; but for now, we'll just say Merry Christmas and may the coming year bring you joy, and blessings too!
Love,
Casper, Andrea, Kale, and Timber

kennel number twenty-five

My brother is deaf and has always had a special bond with his dog. He was pretty comparable to a seeing eye dog for him - well a hearing ear dog I guess -LOL-. Anyhow, my brother lives alone and not only relied on Kidder (his lab/golden mix), but Kidder was Kevin's best friend and companion. Unfortunately, hip displaysia set in last year and Kidder's condition declined rapidly. Kevin got him a harness to carry his back legs (as they became paralyzed) so he could still go on walks. He carried him everywhere (he weighed 90 pounds) and even took him to the ocean for water therapy. Unfortunately, there was no way around it; the only humane choice was to put Kidder to sleep. That happened about six months ago. My brother lost his only friend and companion of ten years. It was heart breaking. Since then he's been pretty lonely and my heart just ached for how miserable he was.
    A few weeks ago my mom jokingly asked Kevin if he wanted a puppy for his birthday, but figured he'd say no, because it might be too soon for him. Well, the thought just had never entered his mind and he told her he had to think about it. That's when I devised my birthday plans for him. After he told her he might want a puppy . . . . I was so excited for the surprise I had planned. I told him to keep his birthday open because I had a really exciting surprise place that I wanted to take him to. Of course, I was hoping it would be as fun for him as I was imagining. I planned to take him to the Humane Society and ASPCA so he could browse through the possible pets. Every time I talked to him over the two weeks prior I would remind him I had a surprise on his birthday. He got excited and had no idea what I was planning. My mom took him out to a glow-in-the dark mini golf place and then to lunch - which is what he wanted to do for his birthday. So, since she gave him exactly what he wanted to do, I figured he couldn't be too disappointed if this turned out to be a total bust.
    On Monday September 8, we left for his big surprise at 9:30am, which is a huge accomplishment for both of us on a day off - we are not morning people. The whole drive there I was asking him what he thought we were going to do, and he's reading my directions trying to figure out where we're going. When we pulled into the parking lot of Orange County Animal Services, it took him a second to realize that we were there. Then, it sunk in. I told him we were only there to browse and get some idea of what he might be looking for. We'd look at the cats and the dogs and if there was an animal that he really wanted we would get it and I'd pay for all the supplies. His face just lit up and his smile was ear to ear. I explained that there are new animals every day, so if we didn't find anything today, we would go back every week on my day off until he felt like he had found a good companion. He agreed and we started our journey. We went into the cat room first - which is where my kids wanted to stay. A huge room with loose cats and tons of cat toys; they were happy there. But, Kevin really isn't a cat person; and going from a 90 pound dog to a cat seemed like too much change. We went into the kennels with our pencil and paper to write down kennel numbers and IDs of the dogs he might be interested in. After about an hour of walking up and down the kennels we had a list of 7 dogs and puppies. We took our list back to the front desk and they narrowed it down by those that had adoptions pending. We went back to the kennels and Kevin took out two dogs. He liked them both. I told him we could go across the street to the ASPCA and look at the dogs there. He found another dog there that he really liked. He had to work for a few hours at 1:00. I dropped him off at work and told him I'd pick him up when he's done and we'd figure it out from there.
     Orange County Animal Services has a website where you can look up animals by kennel number and animal ID to find out more info. I looked up all the animals we had written down. One of the dogs that Kevin really liked was not listed on there; it wasn't even listed as adoption pending. I was nervous that it might have been adopted since we left. Kevin finished his work as quickly as he could and called to tell me that he really wanted to go back to OCAS right then. I reiterated, "Kevin, you don't have to get a dog today. Don't choose a dog just because it's there in front of you. You really need to want that particular dog." He said he had decided he really wanted to go back and play with the first dog we took out and then make up his mind for sure. Of course, that is the dog that wasn't listed online. We got stuck in traffic and barely made it before they closed (ten minutes to be exact). The dog he wanted was still there in kennel number 25. He took him out again and with a huge grin said, "I really want this dog." We filled out all the paperwork and Kevin was approved to adopt him. There is a seven-day wait period because he needs to be fixed and get his shots. As we were leaving I remembered that I had my camera in the diaper bag. They were closing up, but I asked if we could go back to the kennels and take a picture with the dog. The volunteers had all left, so there was no one to take him out; but we went back to the kennels to take a picture. There was an animal services officer locking up the cages. It's not really something they handle - taking animals out for people; but I told her we'd just filled out the adoption paperwork and asked if she could take the dog out so Kevin could see him one last time and I could take some pictures. She agreed and opened his kennel. While I was taking pictures the officer was reviewing his file that they keep on the kennel. She made the comment, "Wow, you really saved him." Of course, I assumed that she meant because we were adopting an animal we were saving him from an uncertain fate. With that thought, I asked what she meant. She said, "He was scheduled to be put down this morning. He's been here for a while. I guess they gave him an extra day because he's young . . . but his clinic date was set for this morning." I was teary-eyed. Kevin didn't hear her. When we walked out, I told him what the officer said. He just stopped, looked down, and said, "Wow, this dog really was meant for me."  Then, he pulled his sunglasses down over his eyes. I can only assume he was as choked up as I was. Now, I know why the dog in kennel number twenty-five wasn't listed on the website. He was not supposed to be alive. Kevin was so excited all the way home! We talked about training, dog parks, supplies, and how we hoped we'd be able to go together to pick him up. We picked up some pizza on the way home and had a pizza party, birthday cake, ice cream and candles that just would not go out! It was such a fun and happy day. I've always said I hate to celebrate my birthday. This year I didn’t - I celebrated Kevin's birthday . . . and it was the best gift I've ever received. (I believe I conveniently left out that we have the same birth date.)