july

july

Today marks ten years that July has been and will be the best and worst month of my life.

Keegan will be ten years old on July 19. The Good Lord knows how much I miss him. I don’t think I could put into words the swirl of emotions that it is to place a child for adoption. Birthing Keegan changed the course of my life forever. In his birth I learned what God had put me on this earth to do, I would be a mother and I would become a midwife. July marks the month that my life changed forever. My husband and I journeyed through personal hell that made us a couple stronger than any mortal bond. Fast forward 8 years and we were welcoming our fourth child into the world July 15, 2009. She was amazing. We celebrated Keegan’s 8^th birthday as a family of 4. I wish I had taken pictures. Why didn’t I take more pictures?! On July 25, 2009 our baby girl died. Who I was as a person died with her. I was more broken than I had ever thought possible.

Fast forward a year, we celebrated Story’s first birthday with a gorgeous butterfly release and a family celebration … I was also in labor. Chapel was born July 17, 2010.

All that being said, it is July.

There are so many emotions in this month … what is a girl to do?

processing

I am so angry as I think about what was taken from us in her death. We were not allowed to hold her. We had to fight for a chance to even see her. I wanted to scoop her up and cuddle her. I wanted to take my time with her to say goodbye. Maybe a picture or a hand and footprint. Because of the way the police improperly processed everything, it was a crime scene investigation and we were not even allowed to touch her. (Of course, I pressed my face against her cheeks and kissed her – but they would not unzip the body bag all the way. They were nervously rushing us so the M.E. could take her. It has been almost two years and I am just now truly processing the closure that was stolen from us in her death. All of the apologies we received from the officers superiors for improper processing of the scene will never give us that last cuddle. I am angry.

easter

How could I not say something on Easter? All I want to do is see her chase down the eggs like all of the other two-year-olds. To run with her brother and sister after these colored orbs that bring such joy. They are hidden in our home on Easter morning. She would hear what it truly means to say Christ has risen. I ache to see Story know her baby sister. Two of Storys older siblings knew her and loved her. But her oldest and youngest siblings will not know her in this life. All of these things just hang over my head. I know we made the wrong decision in placing Keegan for adoption. He should be here. We didn’t pray enough and ultimately we let emotion make our decision.

My original thoughts always stray back to Keegan, for a million reasons - because he should be here, because I know we could have been all he needed, and because I know and constantly feel the difference between missing my two children that are not with us. We should have kept him, and we didn’t. We were not given the choice to keep her. It is a surreal and completely complicatedly confusing journey.

I really am rambling now. These thoughts are bouncing around in my head. These are my completely unorganized ramblings.

out damned spot

I found myself staring at it tonight. That spot. We completely redecorated the living room and bed room after she died – so there wasn’t a familiar “spot” to stare at. Here I sit, typing and staring. I keep thinking about her exact time of death. What if the power hadn’t gone out that night? Would the entire routine have been different, perhaps she would have lived. What if .....

A million questions easily run through my mind every.single.day. They won’t stop running through my mind until I meet her in heaven. I know “there are no tears in heaven” but I cannot imagine anything but tears when I hold her again. I cry now, thinking about it.

I certainly wish I could focus on our reunion, rather than this spot, “Out Damned Spot”. But today, tonight … all I can see is the last minutes she ever lived and try to imagine what she was thinking. This house (as with this life) will never be the same.

our pregnancy announcement

I really wanted to insert my thoughts. I re-read this letter from time to time. I look at our pregnancy announcement with such painful desire to close my eyes, click my heals and be back there ... Pregnancy meant having a baby and happy times to come. Isn't that what our future held in this innocent picture? The link hasn't changed since we sent out the letter in 2008. I doubt it ever will.

The Branagan's Christmas Letter 2008

       (Yup, another one!)

Good Christmas to all! Wow, how has another year passed already? How is it possible we just celebrated the kids' birthdays? Kale turned 6 an d Timber turned 2 on December 3. For their birthdays, we were super-blessed by our mom and dad Mamola, who gave us an awesome vacation to Jersey and New York for the kids' birthdays. What an amazing time! Kale and Timber enjoyed every minute of Grandma and Grandpa time, and the touristy stuff in New York City was just icing on the cake. We went to see the Rockettes Christmas Show, which was breathtaking. Our trip to F.A.O Swartz could have kept us there for days – not just for the kids – but the adults were having just as much fun. The freezing cold was refreshing . . . not so much to the kids – but for us, it was great to have a white Christmas. Yes, it snowed the last day we were in Jersey. God knew how much we needed the snow! Kale learned how to ice skate, within just a few minutes, in the famous Rockefeller Center Ice Rink. We visited quite few tourist spots in New Jersey and New York, including The Life Café (to get our RENT fix!), but the main attraction was great grandma's surprise birthday party! If only we could visit more often.
Things have really been happening for Casper at work. I can't brag enough about what an amazing integrity he has with even the highest managers in his company. He has been within the top three sales people in the entire company for four months in a row. Just two months ago he was the number one sales person for Massey Services. He truly believes in what he is doing and cares about all of his customers. He's gone above and beyond the call of his job for years and now his customers and superiors responding with resounding praise. He just took the last state board test to be a "triple threat" he will soon hold accreditations in all three fields that Massey works with – Pest Control, Termite, and he just completed Lawn & Ornamental, he will be one of a very select few within the state who holds all three certifications.
The Branagan's are on a roll with new frontiers! We have a great new project under construction! But you must check this website to see what's going on:  http://i430.photobucket.com/albums/qq21/cxbranagan/underconstruction.jpg  (As if the letter isn't enough?!) The site should be up and running by Christmas. We cannot wait to hear feedback!
Casper was named the Youth Director of our church. We go to Woodbury Presbyterian Church every Wednesday night and Casper leads the youth group, called Y-Zone. We also teach the middle and high school Sunday school class on Sunday morning. Kale and Timber are the "Y-Zone Mascots" because they hang out with all the middle and high school kids, as well as attend all the Y-zone functions. It's kind of funny how much our young kids have taught the teenagers about life and faith in Jesus. What a blessing Kale and Timber are to everyone who knows them.
We're thrilled with everything the Lord is doing in our lives. We're hoping to close on a house in January. It is a beautiful house in Christmas, Florida that sits on 2 acres. We plan to start a farm and mobile petting zoo. Everyone always said I'd end up working with animals as a career! I'm still caring for children during the day. Right now, I have three great kids that come during the week. They all get along so well. It's a treat to watch them play and interact. Home schooling is working out well for Kale and I. He is very intelligent, creative, and artistic. It just blows me away, how quickly he picks up on anything we're studying. He's reading and writing and has decided he wants to be a mechanical engineer and build robots when he grows up. Timber is a little spitfire who loves to play and do everything her big brother does.  She's talking and it seems she went straight from crawling to running! What a daredevil. There's so much more we could say about the joy and blessings in this past year; but for now, we'll just say Merry Christmas and may the coming year bring you joy, and blessings too!
Love,
Casper, Andrea, Kale, and Timber

awesome advice -warning- snarky

You can always have more [children].

Focus on what you have. You are blessed to have your [living] children.

We decided, ok I will be honest, I decided and my sweet husband felt the same pull, to have another child. We told no one of this thought.

I was afraid. We were afraid. I was afraid that “trying” for another baby was betraying the sweet girl we had buried. I was afraid that I wouldn’t get pregnant. I was afraid I would get pregnant. I was afraid to imagine a future at all. Taking things a day at a time seemed the best we could do. I kept hearing my favorite musical “There is no future. There is not past. We live each moment as our last.” It felt too real. I understand now, that every moment really could be the last. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the last for me. I wasn’t suicidal; but like any mother, I wanted it to be me, not her. The chorus played constantly in my head. I’m a Christian, yet this musical that I love would play more often than I read the Bible. Why must it go against most of what I know to be truth? Why does it resonate so deep? I still haven’t been able to wrap my head around the primal bond with rent.

Back to the issue at hand. I was replacing her. It was that simple for anyone who saw the situation in black and white. It is that easy. Just have another one. Of course, we could just run to the supermarket and buy a new one! If it is super valuable, we may have to search ebay, but we can always find a replacement. ~Snarky as hell~

Yes, that is really what people think. “Just have another.” That will, <smacking forehead> make it all better. Why didn’t I think of that! I can now solve all grieving mother’s problems based on the awesome advice – just focus on the children you have and be thankful. If you don’t have other children, just have another one. <beating head against wall> I am so glad I was able to incorporate all of the useful advice and help so many.

THANKS!

random thoughts

I have the cutest picture of Chapel that I took with my archaic phone camera. It's grainy and blurry but you can see my little girl is dwarfed by the boppy I have her posed in. At 8-hours-old she is all scrunched in a ball, wrinkly, and very tiny.

I look at her now, at 8-months-old, and already, I can't remember her being that tiny. Then, a pang in my chest ... I can't fathom Chapel ever being that tiny, but what kills me; I never, ever considered that Story wouldn't get big.