I'm sitting here thinking of the utter paralyzation I felt as the holidays hit, after Story died last year in July.
Chapel was born in God’s perfect timing (three weeks before her due date) - 2 days after her sister's would-be-first-birthday. I looked at Chapel tonight, thinking of the upcoming Holidays and felt the "empty arm syndrome" just as I did when Story so abruptly died last year. She *should* be here. It hurts so badly that she isn't here.
We have always done it up for all holidays. We have five giant boxes of Halloween decorations that we pulled down from the attic and never put up. They’re still sitting in the hallway.
Last year, Casper pulled everything down for Christmas and put up a ton of lights outside. His motivation was that if he put up enough lights maybe Story could see us from Heaven. He put the tree up and the stockings. I think that's all we put up.
But it's SUCH a far cry from normal. We've always done it up for every holiday. Halloween we have decorated, planned matching costumes, and planned trick-or-treating at least a month prior. Thanksgiving hasn't really been "normal" since my Grandma died, but we still did something memorable every year. I can't even remember Thanksgiving last year. I think we watched the parade. Maybe ate a Turkey sandwich.
The most memorable Christmas moment last year was walking through he Fashion Square Mall, teary-eyed, and on a mission. A friend told me they had a booth with personalized ornaments. I hadn't even taken my kids to get their picture with Santa getting Story’s ornament was all I could think of. So I wearily walked to the booth and picked out and ornament for the cemetery and an ornament for our tree. I tenderly brought them to the kiosk owner. She asked the name and I burst into tears. I spelled Story’s name. She gave me the second ornament as a gift. I cried and hugged her. She told me she had lost her daughter at a young age over 20 years ago.
The kiosk was across from Santa. They reminded me they hadn't seen Santa yet. I had dressed them in their best clothes and waited an hour for Santa pictures previously. It didn't matter to me anymore. I just walked right in; they saw the tears pouring down and offered to give me pictures. I didn't want them, the kids were still wearing PJ tops; but they gave me the photos.
Then, we drove to the cemetery, which was right around the corner. I have a more detailed post on that horrifying adventure.
Today, I look back, what a nightmare. Then, I look at Chapel <heart in my throat>; Story would've been doing the same things at this age last year. She would be wide-eyed at all of the lights and presents piling under the tree. There is so much of me missing. Our family feels so broken. Keegan 9-1/2 and Story (would be) 1-1/2 – they aren’t here and they never will be.
- responses -
Andrea,
I've never birthed and lost a child, so I can only imagine that profound brand of pain. I've had pregnancy losses, but I don't believe those compare.
I have, however, had some traumatic events unfold that seemed like I was never, ever going to get beyond them. Triggers were everywhere and they seemed to throw me right back into the middle of my pain. It felt like I was never going to feel anything but that horrible sadness as I relived it over and over again.
The only thing I know to tell you is that as cliche as it is, time does heal. You can't speed it up, and you can't force the healing, but you are not going to feel like this forever.
Some days, all you have to do is get through that one day. When missing Story hits like physical pain, I'd hold on to that, mourn her, miss her, love her, and then I'd try to find something, anything,
to redirect my emotions. Perhaps have a plan, or a routine, in place for when the grief threatens to drag you under. Nobody has to do it by themselves all the time, sweetheart. Asking for help because you're having a hard day is one of the best things you can do.
There was a statistic I read on grief and healing once that said at around the two year mark, the pain should become bearable. I know that this has been true for me, and I pray it will be for you too.
I would imagine new holiday traditions like including buying Story's ornament each year would help. You can't ever go back to life before that sweet girl came, but you can make a new kind of normal. You are making a new kind of normal.
Lots of love for you and your family.
