Never in my childhood lifetime did I think I would ever dread Christmas.
I was only a child for a short time. I had to grow up too soon. I was in college at 17 years old, two years before I was supposed to graduate from high school. I had my first child at 18 years old. His birth changed everything and made me more of an adult than I already thought I was. Birth, babies, and being a mom consumed me. Family life has been such a joy, but always sprinkled with a longing for our first-born.
We've done it up for every holiday. But, the rigmarole of Thanksgiving into Christmas into New Years was overwhelming last year. It was the 9th year without our firstborn child and the first year without our baby girl.
Caressing the outfit we already had for her first Christmas was too much. Of course we had cute little things as we anticipated the future with her - who doesn't expect their child to live?
The eye rolls, and actual suggestions to move on or stop dragging it out where shocking to me. I just can’t understand how quickly anyone can forget. I don’t want to move on. I want to always have her in our lives. The popular consensus seems to think that since she died a year ago, why in the world would we want to mourn on Christmas? This little girl was a child we prayed for, tried for and successfully birthed. She died of no known cause, she wasn't sick; she was our perfect baby who just died.
I was only a child for a short time. I had to grow up too soon. I was in college at 17 years old, two years before I was supposed to graduate from high school. I had my first child at 18 years old. His birth changed everything and made me more of an adult than I already thought I was. Birth, babies, and being a mom consumed me. Family life has been such a joy, but always sprinkled with a longing for our first-born.
We've done it up for every holiday. But, the rigmarole of Thanksgiving into Christmas into New Years was overwhelming last year. It was the 9th year without our firstborn child and the first year without our baby girl.
Caressing the outfit we already had for her first Christmas was too much. Of course we had cute little things as we anticipated the future with her - who doesn't expect their child to live?
The eye rolls, and actual suggestions to move on or stop dragging it out where shocking to me. I just can’t understand how quickly anyone can forget. I don’t want to move on. I want to always have her in our lives. The popular consensus seems to think that since she died a year ago, why in the world would we want to mourn on Christmas? This little girl was a child we prayed for, tried for and successfully birthed. She died of no known cause, she wasn't sick; she was our perfect baby who just died.
This year is slightly easier than last year. We had so many friends that told
us (all of them have lost children, 18 months to 21 years old) that we would only have a window of 6 months of sympathy when Story died. After that, it would only be scrutiny for not jumping back into life. I cannot believe how true this is.
Decorating the tree today, I helped hang ornaments and put on garland, but I still have Story's ornaments hidden away. I'll hang them now that the children are asleep and won’t see the tears as I put them up. She should be here. There's no rhyme or reason. I close my eyes and see her angelic face. Maybe this time, when I open them I will make up from this nightmare.
us (all of them have lost children, 18 months to 21 years old) that we would only have a window of 6 months of sympathy when Story died. After that, it would only be scrutiny for not jumping back into life. I cannot believe how true this is.
Decorating the tree today, I helped hang ornaments and put on garland, but I still have Story's ornaments hidden away. I'll hang them now that the children are asleep and won’t see the tears as I put them up. She should be here. There's no rhyme or reason. I close my eyes and see her angelic face. Maybe this time, when I open them I will make up from this nightmare.
