You can always have more [children].
Focus on what you have. You are blessed to have your [living] children.
We decided, ok I will be honest, I decided and my sweet husband felt the same pull, to have another child. We told no one of this thought.
I was afraid. We were afraid. I was afraid that “trying” for another baby was betraying the sweet girl we had buried. I was afraid that I wouldn’t get pregnant. I was afraid I would get pregnant. I was afraid to imagine a future at all. Taking things a day at a time seemed the best we could do. I kept hearing my favorite musical “There is no future. There is not past. We live each moment as our last.” It felt too real. I understand now, that every moment really could be the last. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the last for me. I wasn’t suicidal; but like any mother, I wanted it to be me, not her. The chorus played constantly in my head. I’m a Christian, yet this musical that I love would play more often than I read the Bible. Why must it go against most of what I know to be truth? Why does it resonate so deep? I still haven’t been able to wrap my head around the primal bond with rent.
Back to the issue at hand. I was replacing her. It was that simple for anyone who saw the situation in black and white. It is that easy. Just have another one. Of course, we could just run to the supermarket and buy a new one! If it is super valuable, we may have to search ebay, but we can always find a replacement. ~Snarky as hell~
Yes, that is really what people think. “Just have another.” That will, <smacking forehead> make it all better. Why didn’t I think of that! I can now solve all grieving mother’s problems based on the awesome advice – just focus on the children you have and be thankful. If you don’t have other children, just have another one. <beating head against wall> I am so glad I was able to incorporate all of the useful advice and help so many.
THANKS!
I had to revise this post about a million times. This is the best I could do.
ReplyDeleteLOL, I've thought this so many times. I've wanted to respond "oh - like a goldfish? that's a great idea!"
ReplyDeleteOr "God needed them" - really? 'cause I thought God had everything, how could he "need" a baby?
Or "at least they were still young and you didn't lose them as a teenager" "Thank you - I didn't know there was an ideal time to bury a child, I'm much better now."
My husband and I decided to just try to look at the heart, they want to help (bless their dumb little hearts)
i've gotten that one myself. it's disgusting that anyone should suggest a child is replaceable. i don't want a replacement, i want Julius. i had him before he was stolen by death. and now while i'm trapped on this earth with out him, i must do my best to live my life and i want that life filled with more kids. but it will never be a replacement :(
ReplyDeletewow how true that is everyone says that to me, "just be happy you have 2 living daughters" and i want another baby and i also keep hearing "dont have another one it will just die too" or "get over it already she has been dead for 6 months" well no you dont just "get over" the death of your child i struggle everyday just to try and be a good mommy to my living children im so lost in my own grief that i have not even been the mom i should be and i can admit it thank god i have my parents they dont know the daily struggle it is to just get out of bed none the less do anything else after the loss of a child (((hugs))) and i hope people realize what they say to you before it come out of their mouths
ReplyDeleteI have not lost a child. I cannot even begin to know what that is like and I am not comparing my loss to yours. I lost both my parents in 2002 within a six month period of time. I know it's not the same, but people's comments were similar ("you'll get over it", "better place" etc) Well, guess what - it's almost 10 years and I can still cry thinking about them. I just don't tell people how I feel anymore because it would probably seem that I should "be over it" by now.
ReplyDeleteI have come to realize that people just don't know what to say and they want to say something to connect with you, the grieving person. I would like to think nobody intentionally says anything trite or mean-spiritied in their misguided attempt to minimize your pain. I am 100% sure I've said some insensitive things to those in grief in my day, not even realizing I was being insensitive. ((HUGS)) to you!