"happy" birthday sweet girl

There are so many things I remember, so poignantly. We had a brand new livingroom, which was gorgeous. Casper decorated it while My mother took Kale, Timber, and me to Pisgah View, NC. We came home to this amazing livingroom that looked like the "move that bus" guy had stopped in and redecorated. The living room, which is probably the second most used place in the house was amazing. I was a nesting-nut about three weeks before Story was born. I still have my "to-do" list locked away with her stuff. It all got taken care of. The house was perfect. I knew I was in labor about 3:40am, for certain,
When Diane and Shannon (and her baby boy Jaxson) arrived, I was contentedly camped out on the couch. Watching RENT. They proceeded to come in and make small talk and set up. This part of being content on the couch goes back to the amazing livingroom that Casper had created. It was peaceful and perfect.
I labored on the couch and with my ball in front of Rent. I eventually moved to our garden tub. The CD player was ready with RENT OBC
I labored and kept slipping in my giant tub. Finally, giving up hope of any real bearings, I ran to my closet and grabbed the biggest towel I could find. I was shivering. My body gave up trying to regulate temperature, so close to birth.  I shivered my way to my plastic-wrapped bed, and there our sweet daughter was born with just a few fun and easy (OUCH - nothing easy about having a baby out of water!!) she was finally out and I finally held her. My son cut her cord and Daddy immediately held her. I didn't think to have a camera on hand. It was all so quick.

Happy Anniversary RENT

Yes, this is the first update in a LONG while

"Jelly Bean" is *finally* sleeping. Comfortably, soundly, sleeping. 

*me staring intently* Ok he's breathing. I should sleep.
Close eyes and try to sleep. 
WHY is he *SO* soundly sleeping?!
This can't be good.
*me staring intently* <sigh> I will not sleep

and here I will sit for the rest of the night

<intently staring>

The life of a SIDS mom.

national remembrance day

This is the proclamation made 24 years ago:

By the President of the United States of America

A Proclamation

Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988, offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems.

Health care professionals recognize that trends of recent years, such as smaller family size and the postponement of childbearing, adds another dimension of poignance to the grief of parents who have lost infants. More than 700 local, national, and international support groups are supplying programs and strategies designed to help parents cope with their loss. Parents who have suffered their own losses, health care professionals, and specially trained hospital staff members are helping newly bereaved parents deal constructively with loss.

Compassionate Americans are also assisting women who suffer bereavement, guilt, and emotional and physical trauma that accompany post-abortion syndrome. We can and must do a much better job of encouraging adoption as an alternative to abortion; of helping the single parents who wish to raise their babies; and of offering friendship and temporal support to the courageous women and girls who give their children the gifts of life and loving adoptive parents. We can be truly grateful for the devotion and concern provided by all of these citizens, and we should offer them our cooperation and support as well.

The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October 1988 as ``Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month'' and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month.

Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.

In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-fifth day of October, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirteenth.

Ronald Reagan

life

     We are all sick this week. Like, whiny, snotty, feverish, delirious, curl-up-in-a-ball, s.i.c.k! It's fun to be pregnant & sick, ALSO trying to play mom and caretaker. Hubster is sick too, so I can't even try to pawn off a bunch of stuff on him. (Though, I have to be very thankful for the fact that he is still running around and doing far more than I am.) These little things, life, they are things I now complain about. Is it odd to think this way? For three years I would hear people complain about little things, trivial things; or worse, things their kids were doing, and think, "my baby is dead". I am not saying complaining is purposely offensive and that I don't do it ... but I have come to a point where suddenly I realize I am complaining a bit about the little things in life. It still scares me that life can go on. I remember the hour-to-hour thought when Story first died ... How can anyone go on about their lives? Why didn't the world stand still?

     I am a little confused as to where I am going with this. Especially since I sat down to type about the utterly heartbreaking "A Major Event in my Life" article that my son wrote in class today. That is really why I logged in to update. (And no, I still haven't finished the unbelievable saga of the events that took place in July.) So, I am complaining. I don't feel good, I can't seem to stay on top of housework, kids' schoolwork, the animals, rescue work, home school events, etc. For those who have recently endured a loss ... I am very sorry for complaining. It is really all trivial. I am a little scared. I guess this means I am healing, but never getting over it. Constantly trying to understand the new normal that I am living.

missing pieces

I saw this picture and really had to think. At first glance my mind assumed it was Chapel, but I knew it was not. Then, I realized how emotionally and mentally gone I was, for at least a year following Story's death. I am watching all the things Chapel is doing now (she is the age Timber was when Story died) and I truly can't remember her being this age. The same for Kale; he went from preschooler to big kid overnight.

so much ....

As usual, I have a book I could write about the month of July. In fact, it reads like a fictional drama when I review the past month in my head. Hard to believe it all really happened. I suppose I will get to writing that tomorrow, in between work and taking one of our rescue dogs to meet her new family (YAY!). (rescue620.weebly.com/) 

So to bide the time, I thought I would go ahead and share the exclusive engagement we will be attending/participating in.

realization

It has been a while since I have added anything to this blog. I don’t think there is really anyone who reads it so I suppose I blog more for myself than anything else; but hey, if my random thoughts and ramblings can help someone else, I suppose that is the reason I put it all out there. I logged into facebook this morning (who am I kidding, I am always logged into facebook) and my friend’s blog was at the top of my news feed. Her daughter is in heaven with Story. She is expecting a little girl this year. The blog is a letter to her daughter in heaven and in the letter she promised to tell the new baby all about her sister she would never meet. I struggled to catch my breath as I realized that Chapel would never know Story. Even if she was here on this earth for a short amount of time, my children knew her as their sister. The held her, loved her, and she was real to them. She will only ever be a story (pun not intended but so painfully true) to Chapel.