I found myself staring at it tonight. That spot. We completely redecorated the living room and bed room after she died – so there wasn’t a familiar “spot” to stare at. Here I sit, typing and staring. I keep thinking about her exact time of death. What if the power hadn’t gone out that night? Would the entire routine have been different, perhaps she would have lived. What if .....
A million questions easily run through my mind every.single.day. They won’t stop running through my mind until I meet her in heaven. I know “there are no tears in heaven” but I cannot imagine anything but tears when I hold her again. I cry now, thinking about it.
I certainly wish I could focus on our reunion, rather than this spot, “Out Damned Spot”. But today, tonight … all I can see is the last minutes she ever lived and try to imagine what she was thinking. This house (as with this life) will never be the same.
I can answer one question. Did she associate me with her death? The answer is no. She associated you with her life, in fact, you were everything in it. I still think about her and you all of the time Andrea. I am so proud to see how much writing you are doing! You are out-doing me!
ReplyDelete