easter

How could I not say something on Easter? All I want to do is see her chase down the eggs like all of the other two-year-olds. To run with her brother and sister after these colored orbs that bring such joy. They are hidden in our home on Easter morning. She would hear what it truly means to say Christ has risen. I ache to see Story know her baby sister. Two of Storys older siblings knew her and loved her. But her oldest and youngest siblings will not know her in this life. All of these things just hang over my head. I know we made the wrong decision in placing Keegan for adoption. He should be here. We didn’t pray enough and ultimately we let emotion make our decision.

My original thoughts always stray back to Keegan, for a million reasons - because he should be here, because I know we could have been all he needed, and because I know and constantly feel the difference between missing my two children that are not with us. We should have kept him, and we didn’t. We were not given the choice to keep her. It is a surreal and completely complicatedly confusing journey.

I really am rambling now. These thoughts are bouncing around in my head. These are my completely unorganized ramblings.