Candlelight Ceremony for Story - Held by The Central Florida Birth Network

On September 1, 2009 The Central Florida Birth Network transformed their regular monthly meeting into an outpouring of love. At the meeting, a space was held for a candle light ceremony in remembrance of Story. All members and women in the community were invited. They were encouraged tobring in an object
representing what gave each woman strength during a time in her life when she was grievinga loss, any loss, a death of a loved one, a move, a divorce etc. With sincerity and respect for for all women attending, everyone was asked to open their hearts to healing. The CFBN also spent time in silent reverence for Story and me, blanketing me and our family with love, light and with mindful prayers and meditations.

 

Butterfly Release at Story's "Celebration of Life" Party after the funeral

A very thoughtful friend ordered butterflies for us to release on the day of Story's funeral. Casper and I wanted so desperately to have a birthday party, of sorts, because we would never have the joy of celebrating her first birthday. We ordered a cake, balloons, and sweet, baby girl party decorations. We invited close friends and family to her Celebration of Life party after the service. It was rainy and overcast, but we got a break in the rain and released butterflies to the heavens. I am so thankful a friend thought to video this for us.

Footprints on My Heart

These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.

These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint, for now I have wings.

These tiny footprints were meant for other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.

Gentle drops like angel’s tears, of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterfly’s lazy dance.

I’ll let you know I’m with you, if you just give me the chance.

You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.

I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found on Mommy and Daddy’s hearts.

‘Cause even though I’m gone now, we’ll never truly part.

Remembering in realtime - my Facebook Journal

July 15, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Andrea McCoy Branagan - Baby Girl Branagan born 7:40 am. 7 pounds 12 ounces.
Nicole - So happy for y'all! I hope you and Timber have magically gotten over your colds (one less thing to deal with!) She is a very lucky little girl, but poor Kale! :) Hugs!
Cynthia - Yippee!! Girls rock!! Can't wait to hear about the birth! How was it, besides.......well....you know what I mean! Birth is Birth, right! The most awesome experience we EVER GET TO HAVE........
Debby - What a great way to share the news - Congratulations!
Linda - Congrats!!!! :-) So happy for you!
Crystal - Mama sends her congrats! (Just told her the news while she's at work.) <3

July 16, 2009 8:09am

Andrea McCoy Branagan -  Awake with baby girl (still no name!) She's so beautiful.
Jennifer C. - Andrea!! I'm so happy for Casper and you. Way to go. Good like on the name, I'm sure you'll find a beautiful name for that beautiful girl....Cecila Ann, Eva or Ava Rose????
Taylor - Congrats Andrea! Post pictures soon! xoxo


July 17, 2009 at 12:55am
Andrea McCoy Branagan - What a STORY!!!
Lorrie - Beautiful STORY I have to say


July 18, 2009 8:49pm

Andrea McCoy Branagan - Up and around! Thrilled to be invited to a great birthday party today. Very tired - but I'm so glad to be able to enjoy the day.
Midwife Diane Albright  - It was wonderful having your family join us in celebrating Carter's birthday. Thank you so much for coming!

July 18, 2009 9:30pm
Andrea McCoy Branagan -

Story Elias Branagan - 8 hours old

Rhonda - Congratulations Andrea, Story is beautiful! Sorry for the late congrats, I haven't been on in a while!


July 19, 2009 at 5:01pm
Marisa -  Did you have your baby??
Andrea McCoy Branagan - Yes! That picture of a baby on my profile . . . that would be her! LOL
Nicole - Congratulations Andrea! I can't wait to see the baby....she is beautiful :-)
Andrea McCoy Branagan -  Love this article. All of my kids were born between 41 and 42 weeks.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1047180/the_lie_of_the_edd_why_your_due_date.html?cat=25 
How the 40 week pregnancy myth came about and why it's totally wrong.

July 19, 2009 at 7:59 pm

Andrea McCoy Branagan - Happy Birthday Keegan. We love you and miss you.

July 19, 2009 at 8:16 pm



Keegan - July 19, 2001






Story - July 15, 2009

 



Michelle - Precious!!!
Angie - congratulations! story is beautiful...she does look like Casper, but I see your gaze in the photos. I can't wait to hold her.
Jeremi - Story looks just like her daddy and older brother!
Andrea McCoy Branagan - Story looks JUST like Keegan!
Cori - She's beautiful! Looks just like a Branagan!!
Marisa - She sure is cute.... JUST ADORABLE! =))

Ashley -  I'm getting the baby bug AGAIN - of course Ty says no more... boo...

July 20, 2009 at 11:03 am

Andrea McCoy Branagan - Good morning!

Linda - good afternoon :)
Tina - should be great morning I know you are on top of the world right now
Cathy - Good night! 

July 21, 2009 at 4:40 pm

Andrea McCoy Branagan  - Peaceful day.
Midwife Diane Albright - I'm glad. How are all the critters?


July 22, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Andrea McCoy Branagan - Bunnies going home today! Yippie!
Lorrie - I had to click LIKE...but let me say I love the fact they didn't come home with ME,lol
Andrea McCoy Branagan - 2 bunnies went today to two different families who are knowledgeable about rabbit care and will keep them inside. I am so thrilled! This is what makes it all worth it.

July 23, 2009 at 6:18 pm

Taylor - Hey girl! How are you feeling? Hope all is well!

Marilyn - How's that precious baby doing?

Jennifer N. - She is absolutely beautiful.

Katerina - BABY!!!!!!!!!! How could I have missed this:( so beautiful!

July 23, 2009 at 7:52 pm

Andrea McCoy Branagan - Ugh! The chickens are out to get me! Stupid chickens!!!

July 24, 2009 at 12:40 pm

Andrea McCoy Branagan - Amazing! Must watch! Still wiping away tears

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw3MRQGY7Zg

Watch how a baby is delivered in a cesarean birth and see the dramatic difference of what both the mother and baby experience in a home water birth after cesarean.

Tara - Thanks for sharing that. My homebirthed water baby didn't cry either - in fact, she came out dead asleep, SNORING!!!
Angie - wow...amazing. I can so relate to much of her story. I was told the exact same thing (baby too large) with my 2nd one right at 39 weeks as well. Of course, I was told that the first time around and that lead to the first very un-necessary cesarean with Z.

July 24, 2009 at 11:32 am

Andrea McCoy Branagan  - Morning has crept into afternoon without me realizing it!
Marilyn - Same here
Linda - it has a way of doing that.

July 25, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Andrea McCoy Branagan - Story passed away last night. I am a basket case. Please no calls, emails, or visitors.

Michelle - Andrea, I'm so sorry and shocked. May your heart and mind find some peace soon. Sara Au Please let me know if I can do anything. My heart is broken for you.
Maggie-  I am so sorry, Andrea. Prayers are coming your way.
Laura M. - oh andrea, I'm so sorry. I'm at a loss for words.
Christi - Praying for you and your family, Andrea. There are no words.
Amy - anything i can do?
Will - Very sorry to hear it, Andrea. My thoughts are with you.

Kristy - Andrea I am so sorry. If I can help or support you in any way, please let me know. Hugs and love to your whole family from ours.

Jennifer N. - I have not stopped praying for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss, I pray God will help you thru this difficult time.

Nicole U. - We are praying for you and your family...words can't express how sorry we are for you all.

Suzie - I am so sorry for your devastating loss.

Nicole E. - My heart breaks for you and prayers are for you. Words fail...

Tara - Praying for peace for you and your family Andrea.

Cristy - Hugs Andrea... I am speechless and so incredibly sorry... Xoxoxo

Mary - My heart is breaking. We love you. Prayers are being said for your family

Linda - Psalm 18:2 "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the hornof my salvation, my stronghold."


July 26, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Andrea McCoy Branagan - I can't believe I'm making arrangements to bury my baby girl . . . . This just can't be real. 
Sherry - We are all thinking of you and your family. Our deepest thoughts and kindest prayers to you.


July 27, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Andrea McCoy Branagan  - We heard from the medical examiner - Story passed from SIDS. One of those things you think will never happen to YOU. There's no known cause. The ceremony is open to the public and will be at First Presbyterian Church in Maitland at 4:00 on Thursday.
Patrisha - Andrea, I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss. I wish I could take this pain away, please let me know if there's anything at all I can do. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Erin - I'm so very sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.
Shelly - I can't believe this we are praying for your family.
Judy - We are praying for you and your family. We are so sorry.
Jennifer C. - Andrea and Casper, I know that there are no words that I can say to help you during this time. But I hope that these songs will help you. Tony and I will be here to help in any way possible. I will be there on Thursday and Tony is trying to work something out with his work. We continue to pray for your family.
Doris - Thinking of you Andrea... I've always loved this song myself... Eric Clapton, Tears in Heaven.
Cristy - Here's another song I thought was fitting for where you are right now... it's one of my favorites... Natalie Grant "Held"
Susan - Thinking of you all day today. I cannot be there physically, but please know I am with you.

July 28, 2009 at 6:00 pm

Andrea McCoy Branagan  - Mercy Me Homesick

a great song but its sad that it is now meaningful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY


July 28, 2009 at 10:01 pm

Barbara Snipes (Mom) - Story passed from SIDS. One of those things you think will never happen to YOU. There's no known cause. The ceremony is open to the public and will be at First Presbyterian Church in Maitland at 4:00 on Thursday. We certainly don't expect anything - but I know a lot of people have asked to bring food or send flowers. If you were planning to send something or buy food - we would  greatly appreciate a donation in the amount of whatever you would have spent on something else. We are working on a memorial for Story. Thank you.
She was a beautiful baby that will forever be in our hearts.
Nicole - Andrea, Donovan and I would love to donate to Story's memorial fund. When you feel up to it please post how to do that. We love you all and are praying night and day for you and your family.
Andrea McCoy Branagan  - There will be a collection taken at Woodbury on Sunday. Pastor Rod and Pastor Sam Knight will be doing the memorial service at First Presbyterian Church of Maitland on Thursday at 4.

July 29, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Andrea McCoy Branagan  - Her story was too short . . .
Tara -I am thinking of you this morning Andrea.
Malee - "What we have here, in this huge space, is an invisible solidarity, one with the other. Bereavement can leave you bleak and bitter; it can make some people cry abuse at the universe, or at God; it can strengthen others in their faith or acceptance. Whatever, and there are no rules, when we come here tonight we know one thing that we are not alone. Holding hands in our imaginations, or actually holding them, what we do is this: we make a circle of our own, private grief and share, even if briefly, the pain of others. That is being part of humanity. That is one aspect of the power of love."

July 30, 2009 at 10:36 am
Cori - Andrea, I hope that you know you have so many many friends who love and support you. We cannot totally take away your pain, but hopefully today we can surround you with friendship and uplift you and Casper. Lean on us, We are here for you.
Jennifer - There are no words to say that would bring you comfort but may you find comfort in God, your family, and friends who will surround you today. Those who cannot make it, know that you are in their hearts and prayers. We love you, Andrea and Casper, and we are all here when you need us.
Laura - Tim and I have both been thinking about and praying for you and Casper and the kids.


July 30, 2009 3:55pm Cristy Nielsen (mobile upload) -

Cristy - Love you Andrea... Story's service was beautiful! Hugs to you...
Angie - you are still in my prayers. know that your star is shining bright above forever...lighting your path so someday you shall meet again. the angels are holding her now, keeping her safe and warm for always. hugs to you and Casper today! i hope that being surrounded by family and friends comforted you a bit. know that we are all here for you.
Jennifer N. - thinking of you today and praying
Cori - Story's memorial was beautiful, Pastor Knight did a wonderful job and Kale was adorable. I only wish I could help somehow to take away your pain.
Andre'a - It was a beautiful service and I am so glad you had so much love and support to guide you through the day.. We all care for you and will continue to pray and be there for you always..
Jennifer E. - Thinking of you today &Praying for you every day all day. ((Hugz))
Marisa - Andrea, I wanted you to know that the memorial service today was just BEAUTIFUL, as your Story was too...and I wish there were something I could say to magically wipe your pain away. I saw your grief from far away and felt it with every step you took...I am SO SORRY you are going through this and hope you will someday call on me for help & support. Take it one day at a time....and just remember, you have sooo many friends around you that love you and want you to get past this....stay strong, sweetie.
Karen - AMEN!!
Cori - Beautifully written M. My thoughts as well. We Love you Andrea!
Doris - My sentiments exactly... We do love you Andrea. Please reach out to us when you're ready...

Jennifer C. - I just wanted to let you know that the service was beautiful, like her. When you are ready, know that we are all here for you. Story was a blessing. We love you all.
Sara - my sentiments exactly Andrea. We love you. Thanks for putting it into words, Jennifer.
Patty - Kale was the hero of the day. What a true blessing and a gift of love to Story from this wonderful brother of hers. He touched the hearts of everyone.
Taber - Kale really was a glimpse of sunlight today and Timber's smile was an inspiration. I'm here for you.
Maggie - All my love, Andrea. The service was beautiful, and I am honored to have been there to support you. Please know how many prayers are continually going to you all. Love always...........


August 1, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Andrea McCoy Branagan - Thank you all for the incredible outpouring of love and support at Story's memorial.


August 1, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Andrea McCoy Branagan  - Missing my angel. 

Lily - Thinking of you today. I don't have any words but the trite overused ones. Just know that I am so sorry for you and wish I could take away some of the pain.

Malee - I often think on how different my life would be, If the other children I could have had were still here. I know that if my first were still around, I probably wouldn't be where I am at today, although I would be happy with loving my child and not trade that child for anything. There probably wouldn't be Penny. I may not know all the people I know now, and that would have been just fine. Or, if I didn't miscarry my third pregnancy, I'd now have two kids. Penny would have a sibling, I still would not be back in school yet. Would it have been better? I think it just would have been different, and how things are now is just what was meant to be. Acceptance of this fate doesn't diminish the value and importance of the lives lost, nor take the pain of loss away, and it never will. It only helps to deal with what cannot be changed, to persevere and continue on with living my life however I can. It's a process: One day at a time, you survive, for yourself and everyone who still needs you.

August 2, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Andrea McCoy Branagan  - STORY . . . . STORY . . . STORY . . . STORY . . . . STORY . . . STORY . . .

August 2, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Andrea McCoy Branagan - Thinking of something to keep myself busy.


August 2, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Andrea McCoy Branagan  - Can't begin to express my gratitude for the outpouring of love, prayers, and support. Thank you.

Suellen - Joe, Katie and I are so sorry for the loss of your sweet Story. Thank you for the pictures - she is perfect! I can still remember that "Baby Smell" - nothing else like it in the world. Please know that we continue to pray for you, Casper, Kale and Timber. I bet that it feels like this nightmare will never end. In going thru adversity, I've been shocked to find that - one day (not today or anytime soon) - it was a little easier to take a breath. The pain is still there, but somehow it gets easier to remember and that memory brings a smile instead of tears of longing. As far as I can tell, it's a God-Thang - pure and simple. Your church family is here and loves you deeply. We don't want to be in your grill, but will be here when you are ready. With much love, prayers and concern.

Mary - Story's service was beautiful Andrea. I'm thinking of you & your family. Praying everyday for you!

Jennifer C. - Andrea, I love you, Casper, and your kids. You have been a blessing to have as friends for our family. We will always be here for you in any way we can be. We continue to pray. I know you are strong and that God will give you the strength you need to come back to us and to survive. You have something amazing, that is God on your side always and forever. He will never leave you and he is holding and loving on Story right now. God Bless and keep you all close to His heart.

"When Tomorrow Starts Without Me"

Every morning was a struggle. I bought black-out curtains to put over the window in our bedroom. Waking up was torture. Those first two weeks were like a bad dream and it seemed like nothing was real. As reality began to sink in, waking up meant that she was not here. It meant that I would have to get out of bed and exist without her. My baby is dead. Cold hard words to type ... unbearable to live through. I remember the first few mornings without my Story. I woke up and thought for sure it was a horrible nightmare. It couldn't be real. I would roll over and reach for the cosleeper, completely expecting her to be there. Then, as my hand met the empty spot in the bed where the cosleeper had been, I would burst into uncontrollable sobbing. I couldn't believe it was true. The fog lifted and took with it my denial. I was now somewhat coherent and fully feeling, fully aching, desperately wanting .... I was raw with emotion. Sleep did not come easy, in fact it still doesn't. Closing my eyes more often than not, means reliving the Emergency Room. If I was fortunate enough to drift into unconsciousness, waking up was a like a cruel joke. Every morning I had to move forward, my day would start without her. A dear friend sent me this poem in the days following Story's death. I can only pray this is what she would say to me.

as it creeps closer

Never in my childhood lifetime did I think I would ever dread Christmas.
I was only a child for a short time. I had to grow up too soon. I was in college at 17 years old, two years before I was supposed to graduate from high school. I had my first child at 18 years old. His birth changed everything and made me more of an adult than I already thought I was. Birth, babies, and being a mom consumed me. Family life has been such a joy, but always sprinkled with a longing for our first-born.

We've done it up for every holiday. But, the rigmarole of Thanksgiving into Christmas into New Years was overwhelming last year. It was the 9^th year without our firstborn child and the first year without our baby girl.
Caressing the outfit we already had for her first Christmas was too much. Of course we had cute little things as we anticipated the future with her - who doesn't expect their child to live?
The eye rolls, and actual suggestions to move on or stop dragging it out where shocking to me. I just can’t understand how quickly anyone can forget. I don’t want to move on. I want to always have her in our lives. The popular consensus seems to think that since she died a year ago, why in the world would we want to mourn on Christmas? This little girl was a child we prayed for, tried for and successfully birthed. She died of no known cause, she wasn't sick; she was our perfect baby who just died.

This year is slightly easier than last year. We had so many friends that told
us (all of them have lost children, 18 months to 21 years old) that we would only have a window of 6 months of sympathy when Story died. After that, it would only be scrutiny for not jumping back into life. I cannot believe how true this is.
Decorating the tree today, I helped hang ornaments and put on garland, but I still have Story's ornaments hidden away. I'll hang them now that the children are asleep and won’t see the tears as I put them up. She should be here. There's no rhyme or reason. I close my eyes and see her angelic face. Maybe this time, when I open them I will make up from this nightmare.

holidays after loss

I'm sitting here thinking of the utter paralyzation I felt as the holidays hit, after Story died last year in July.

Chapel was born in God’s perfect timing (three weeks before her due date) - 2 days after her sister's would-be-first-birthday. I looked at Chapel tonight, thinking of the upcoming Holidays and felt the "empty arm syndrome" just as I did when Story so abruptly died last year. She *should* be here. It hurts so badly that she isn't here.

We have always done it up for all holidays. We have five giant boxes of Halloween decorations that we pulled down from the attic and never put up. They’re still sitting in the hallway.

Last year, Casper pulled everything down for Christmas and put up a ton of lights outside. His motivation was that if he put up enough lights maybe Story could see us from Heaven. He put the tree up and the stockings. I think that's all we put up.

But it's SUCH a far cry from normal. We've always done it up for every holiday. Halloween we have decorated, planned matching costumes, and planned trick-or-treating at least a month prior. Thanksgiving hasn't really been "normal" since my Grandma died, but we still did something memorable every year. I can't even remember Thanksgiving last year. I think we watched the parade. Maybe ate a Turkey sandwich.

The most memorable Christmas moment last year was walking through he Fashion Square Mall, teary-eyed, and on a mission. A friend told me they had a booth with personalized ornaments. I hadn't even taken my kids to get their picture with Santa getting Story’s ornament was all I could think of. So I wearily walked to the booth and picked out and ornament for the cemetery and an ornament for our tree. I tenderly brought them to the kiosk owner. She asked the name and I burst into tears. I spelled Story’s name. She gave me the second ornament as a gift. I cried and hugged her. She told me she had lost her daughter at a young age over 20 years ago.

The kiosk was across from Santa. They reminded me they hadn't seen Santa yet. I had dressed them in their best clothes and waited an hour for Santa pictures previously. It didn't matter to me anymore. I just walked right in; they saw the tears pouring down and offered to give me pictures. I didn't want them, the kids were still wearing PJ tops; but they gave me the photos.

Then, we drove to the cemetery, which was right around the corner. I have a more detailed post on that horrifying adventure.

Today, I look back, what a nightmare. Then, I look at Chapel <heart in my throat>; Story would've been doing the same things at this age last year. She would be wide-eyed at all of the lights and presents piling under the tree. There is so much of me missing. Our family feels so broken. Keegan 9-1/2 and Story (would be) 1-1/2 – they aren’t here and they never will be.

HOW DO YOU GET WITH THE HOLIDAYS, WHEN YOU JUST WANT TO HIDE FROM THEM?
          - responses -

Andrea,
I've never birthed and lost a child, so I can only imagine that profound brand of pain. I've had pregnancy losses, but I don't believe those compare.
I have, however, had some traumatic events unfold that seemed like I was never, ever going to get beyond them. Triggers were everywhere and they seemed to throw me right back into the middle of my pain. It felt like I was never going to feel anything but that horrible sadness as I relived it over and over again.
The only thing I know to tell you is that as cliche as it is, time does heal. You can't speed it up, and you can't force the healing, but you are not going to feel like this forever.
Some days, all you have to do is get through that one day. When missing Story hits like physical pain, I'd hold on to that, mourn her, miss her, love her, and then I'd try to find something, anything,
to redirect my emotions. Perhaps have a plan, or a routine, in place for when the grief threatens to drag you under. Nobody has to do it by themselves all the time, sweetheart. Asking for help because you're having a hard day is one of the best things you can do.
There was a statistic I read on grief and healing once that said at around the two year mark, the pain should become bearable. I know that this has been true for me, and I pray it will be for you too.
I would imagine new holiday traditions like including buying Story's ornament each year would help. You can't ever go back to life before that sweet girl came, but you can make a new kind of normal. You are making a new kind of normal.
Lots of love for you and your family.