our pregnancy announcement

I really wanted to insert my thoughts. I re-read this letter from time to time. I look at our pregnancy announcement with such painful desire to close my eyes, click my heals and be back there ... Pregnancy meant having a baby and happy times to come. Isn't that what our future held in this innocent picture? The link hasn't changed since we sent out the letter in 2008. I doubt it ever will.

The Branagan's Christmas Letter 2008

       (Yup, another one!)

Good Christmas to all! Wow, how has another year passed already? How is it possible we just celebrated the kids' birthdays? Kale turned 6 an d Timber turned 2 on December 3. For their birthdays, we were super-blessed by our mom and dad Mamola, who gave us an awesome vacation to Jersey and New York for the kids' birthdays. What an amazing time! Kale and Timber enjoyed every minute of Grandma and Grandpa time, and the touristy stuff in New York City was just icing on the cake. We went to see the Rockettes Christmas Show, which was breathtaking. Our trip to F.A.O Swartz could have kept us there for days – not just for the kids – but the adults were having just as much fun. The freezing cold was refreshing . . . not so much to the kids – but for us, it was great to have a white Christmas. Yes, it snowed the last day we were in Jersey. God knew how much we needed the snow! Kale learned how to ice skate, within just a few minutes, in the famous Rockefeller Center Ice Rink. We visited quite few tourist spots in New Jersey and New York, including The Life Café (to get our RENT fix!), but the main attraction was great grandma's surprise birthday party! If only we could visit more often.
Things have really been happening for Casper at work. I can't brag enough about what an amazing integrity he has with even the highest managers in his company. He has been within the top three sales people in the entire company for four months in a row. Just two months ago he was the number one sales person for Massey Services. He truly believes in what he is doing and cares about all of his customers. He's gone above and beyond the call of his job for years and now his customers and superiors responding with resounding praise. He just took the last state board test to be a "triple threat" he will soon hold accreditations in all three fields that Massey works with – Pest Control, Termite, and he just completed Lawn & Ornamental, he will be one of a very select few within the state who holds all three certifications.
The Branagan's are on a roll with new frontiers! We have a great new project under construction! But you must check this website to see what's going on:  http://i430.photobucket.com/albums/qq21/cxbranagan/underconstruction.jpg  (As if the letter isn't enough?!) The site should be up and running by Christmas. We cannot wait to hear feedback!
Casper was named the Youth Director of our church. We go to Woodbury Presbyterian Church every Wednesday night and Casper leads the youth group, called Y-Zone. We also teach the middle and high school Sunday school class on Sunday morning. Kale and Timber are the "Y-Zone Mascots" because they hang out with all the middle and high school kids, as well as attend all the Y-zone functions. It's kind of funny how much our young kids have taught the teenagers about life and faith in Jesus. What a blessing Kale and Timber are to everyone who knows them.
We're thrilled with everything the Lord is doing in our lives. We're hoping to close on a house in January. It is a beautiful house in Christmas, Florida that sits on 2 acres. We plan to start a farm and mobile petting zoo. Everyone always said I'd end up working with animals as a career! I'm still caring for children during the day. Right now, I have three great kids that come during the week. They all get along so well. It's a treat to watch them play and interact. Home schooling is working out well for Kale and I. He is very intelligent, creative, and artistic. It just blows me away, how quickly he picks up on anything we're studying. He's reading and writing and has decided he wants to be a mechanical engineer and build robots when he grows up. Timber is a little spitfire who loves to play and do everything her big brother does.  She's talking and it seems she went straight from crawling to running! What a daredevil. There's so much more we could say about the joy and blessings in this past year; but for now, we'll just say Merry Christmas and may the coming year bring you joy, and blessings too!
Love,
Casper, Andrea, Kale, and Timber

awesome advice -warning- snarky

You can always have more [children].

Focus on what you have. You are blessed to have your [living] children.

We decided, ok I will be honest, I decided and my sweet husband felt the same pull, to have another child. We told no one of this thought.

I was afraid. We were afraid. I was afraid that “trying” for another baby was betraying the sweet girl we had buried. I was afraid that I wouldn’t get pregnant. I was afraid I would get pregnant. I was afraid to imagine a future at all. Taking things a day at a time seemed the best we could do. I kept hearing my favorite musical “There is no future. There is not past. We live each moment as our last.” It felt too real. I understand now, that every moment really could be the last. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the last for me. I wasn’t suicidal; but like any mother, I wanted it to be me, not her. The chorus played constantly in my head. I’m a Christian, yet this musical that I love would play more often than I read the Bible. Why must it go against most of what I know to be truth? Why does it resonate so deep? I still haven’t been able to wrap my head around the primal bond with rent.

Back to the issue at hand. I was replacing her. It was that simple for anyone who saw the situation in black and white. It is that easy. Just have another one. Of course, we could just run to the supermarket and buy a new one! If it is super valuable, we may have to search ebay, but we can always find a replacement. ~Snarky as hell~

Yes, that is really what people think. “Just have another.” That will, <smacking forehead> make it all better. Why didn’t I think of that! I can now solve all grieving mother’s problems based on the awesome advice – just focus on the children you have and be thankful. If you don’t have other children, just have another one. <beating head against wall> I am so glad I was able to incorporate all of the useful advice and help so many.

THANKS!

random thoughts

I have the cutest picture of Chapel that I took with my archaic phone camera. It's grainy and blurry but you can see my little girl is dwarfed by the boppy I have her posed in. At 8-hours-old she is all scrunched in a ball, wrinkly, and very tiny.

I look at her now, at 8-months-old, and already, I can't remember her being that tiny. Then, a pang in my chest ... I can't fathom Chapel ever being that tiny, but what kills me; I never, ever considered that Story wouldn't get big. 

death?

I cried this morning. That is nothing new. What is new; I cried because our bird was dead. I wasn't crying just because she died, but because my heart broke in two as I told the kids their only pet was dead. They loved her and took care of her. I was sad that my son was in tears. I was sad that death is all too familiar. I asked him if he wanted to write about it. He sat down and very simply composed this -

it won't ever be real

That morning .... Was it morning?  ... I couldn't see through the haze. Could I just pretend it was the cloudiness that comes when waking from a long night's sleep? Everything was fuzzy, it looked like a dream sequence in a really bad movie. The voices, movement; it sounded like slow motion speech ... an echoing sound that was beyond comprehension.  Could this echoing noise, these voices, be speaking to me? No. I could only be dreaming. Then, I realized ... my unwilling body was carrying what was left of me, because my soul was absent from my physical being. Did I walk through the doorway ... probably not. I must have floated. I was not whole. I wasn't a person at all. I no longer existed as who I had been less than 24 hours earlier.
I don't remember anything about the ride home from the hospital. Perhaps, I had died with her. That makes sense. Nothing was real, except that I was not real. I could not live on without my baby girl.
Somehow, I was in bed. How was I suddenly here? Did I walk in, turn the corner and see our bed? Story's co-sleeper snuggled into our bed as if nothing had changed. I wasn't a ghost. I wasn't having a nightmare, because I was suddenly curled up in the fetal position in our bed and the bed was real. My hand caressing the co-sleeper was real. The people talking to me were real, though the echoing voices were so very far removed. No, I wasn't a ghost. I was still alive.
I jolted out of bed ... I felt like I was there for hours, but I had only fallen into bed in a curled-up-ball long enough to jump out of bed and fly to Kale's room.My son. The first baby I was able to bring home with me. My baby boy. I scooped him up and cried so hard I think I shook his bed, but the sobs were silent, inward cries. They were silent sobs that overcame my body and forced my motherly soul to clutch him harder and longer.

I was just lucid enough to realize I could not let go, because "what if" ... could he be next? My safe world had been shattered. I had done everything to make sure my children were protected, safe, happy and loved.

this.could.not.happen.e-v-e-r! 

I sobbed and held him. Then, another mind-blowing realization; I had to tell my children that their sister was dead. I reverted back to the fetal position, with Kale in arms. I closed my eyes tight and just prayed that I would wake up soon. I could not tell my children they would never see their baby sister again. I could not take away their innocent childhood world so soon. I would not do it. I would hold my son and close my eyes and it would all go away.

Just for Today

To My Child
(Just For Today)

Just for this morning I am going to smile when I see your face, and laugh when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning I will let you wake up softly in your flannel p.j.'s and hold you until you are ready to stir.
Just for this morning I will let you choose what you want to wear, and I will say how beautiful you are.
Just for this morning I will step over the laundry to pick you up, and take you to the park to play.
Just for this morning I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle together.
Just for this afternoon I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the garden blowing bubbles.
Just for this afternoon I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one, if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or how you might have been before your diagnosis.
Just for this afternoon I will let you help me make cookies, and I won't stand over you....trying to fix things.
Just for this afternoon I will take you to McDonalds and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have two toys.
Just for this evening I will hold you in my arms and tell you the story of how you were born and how much we love you.
Just for this evening I will let you splash in the bathtub, and I won't get angry when you pour water outside the tub.
Just for this evening I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch swing and count all the stars.
Just for this evening I will bring you glasses of water and snuggle beside you for hours and miss my favourite TV show.
Just for this evening, when I run my fingers through your hair as I pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
I will think about the mothers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you goodnight, I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing.... except just one more day.

I'VE HAD THIS POEM ON THE FRIDGE SINCE KALE WAS BORN.

I CRIED EVERY TIME I READTHE PART ABOUT THE MOTHERS MISSING CHILDREN AND THE MOTHERS VISITING THEIR CHILDREN'S GRAVES.

-NEVER- DID I THINK THAT WOULD BE ME!

I only wish I would have stepped over the laundry a few times in Story's first days. 

Butterfly Release at Story's "Celebration of Life" Party after the funeral

A very thoughtful friend ordered butterflies for us to release on the day of Story's funeral. Casper and I wanted so desperately to have a birthday party, of sorts, because we would never have the joy of celebrating her first birthday. We ordered a cake, balloons, and sweet, baby girl party decorations. We invited close friends and family to her Celebration of Life party after the service. It was rainy and overcast, but we got a break in the rain and released butterflies to the heavens. I am so thankful a friend thought to video this for us.