so much

I want to say so much. I cannot stop crying.
Sharing now. I will follow up later.

full circle

Its only right that today, we are sitting here watching the first season of Digimon on DVD. I have had this DVD for almost ten years. I recently found out it was a collector’s item and listed it on half.com for a pretty hefty sum. I don’t really want to get rid of it, so I listed a nice big number and figured if it sold for that it was worth letting it go. I got notification yesterday that my Digimon DVD had sold. Bittersweet.

Now, to the back-story … near the end of my pregnancy with Keegan, I never missed an episode of Digimon on FoxKids network. I was taking classes at Valencia and I still remember the time, to this day, I rushed home to catch the 2.30 broadcast of my beloved kids show. I was 18 years old, and couldn’t get enough of this wonderful little cartoon. I ordered the DVD a few days after he was born (and placed for adoption). I think it was kind of my connection to him, knowing I would have it to watch. The dvd has moved from house to house and sat untouched for ten years. Today, I pulled it out to watch it one last time before I mail it off. The kids are fascinated. I am still in a whirlwind of mixed emotions – ten years ago, to the day, I was watching this exact same show with my very first child squirming around inutero. One of the only memories I will share with him (for now). Quite apropos that the order came this week and we are all watching a show that I shared with my first baby boy.

where did I go

I was dependable. Maybe I was late more often then not, but I was always where I said I would be. I have always been spacey, only enough to make friends assume it must be the blonde. My word was unshakeable – if I said I would be there or do that I would have something done  – it was considered done. There was never a question of me skipping out, or needing a back up. I used to head up projects. I used to make great ideas happen. I started my own businesses. I used to know how …… how to function.

Is it so hard to fathom that her death would be the end of that person ……

I don’t want it to be, but I can’t find her.

If you happen to find this person who used to have a fire lit under her and a reason to do anything please let me know.

july

july

Today marks ten years that July has been and will be the best and worst month of my life.

Keegan will be ten years old on July 19. The Good Lord knows how much I miss him. I don’t think I could put into words the swirl of emotions that it is to place a child for adoption. Birthing Keegan changed the course of my life forever. In his birth I learned what God had put me on this earth to do, I would be a mother and I would become a midwife. July marks the month that my life changed forever. My husband and I journeyed through personal hell that made us a couple stronger than any mortal bond. Fast forward 8 years and we were welcoming our fourth child into the world July 15, 2009. She was amazing. We celebrated Keegan’s 8^th birthday as a family of 4. I wish I had taken pictures. Why didn’t I take more pictures?! On July 25, 2009 our baby girl died. Who I was as a person died with her. I was more broken than I had ever thought possible.

Fast forward a year, we celebrated Story’s first birthday with a gorgeous butterfly release and a family celebration … I was also in labor. Chapel was born July 17, 2010.

All that being said, it is July.

There are so many emotions in this month … what is a girl to do?

processing

I am so angry as I think about what was taken from us in her death. We were not allowed to hold her. We had to fight for a chance to even see her. I wanted to scoop her up and cuddle her. I wanted to take my time with her to say goodbye. Maybe a picture or a hand and footprint. Because of the way the police improperly processed everything, it was a crime scene investigation and we were not even allowed to touch her. (Of course, I pressed my face against her cheeks and kissed her – but they would not unzip the body bag all the way. They were nervously rushing us so the M.E. could take her. It has been almost two years and I am just now truly processing the closure that was stolen from us in her death. All of the apologies we received from the officers superiors for improper processing of the scene will never give us that last cuddle. I am angry.

easter

How could I not say something on Easter? All I want to do is see her chase down the eggs like all of the other two-year-olds. To run with her brother and sister after these colored orbs that bring such joy. They are hidden in our home on Easter morning. She would hear what it truly means to say Christ has risen. I ache to see Story know her baby sister. Two of Storys older siblings knew her and loved her. But her oldest and youngest siblings will not know her in this life. All of these things just hang over my head. I know we made the wrong decision in placing Keegan for adoption. He should be here. We didn’t pray enough and ultimately we let emotion make our decision.

My original thoughts always stray back to Keegan, for a million reasons - because he should be here, because I know we could have been all he needed, and because I know and constantly feel the difference between missing my two children that are not with us. We should have kept him, and we didn’t. We were not given the choice to keep her. It is a surreal and completely complicatedly confusing journey.

I really am rambling now. These thoughts are bouncing around in my head. These are my completely unorganized ramblings.

out damned spot

I found myself staring at it tonight. That spot. We completely redecorated the living room and bed room after she died – so there wasn’t a familiar “spot” to stare at. Here I sit, typing and staring. I keep thinking about her exact time of death. What if the power hadn’t gone out that night? Would the entire routine have been different, perhaps she would have lived. What if .....

A million questions easily run through my mind every.single.day. They won’t stop running through my mind until I meet her in heaven. I know “there are no tears in heaven” but I cannot imagine anything but tears when I hold her again. I cry now, thinking about it.

I certainly wish I could focus on our reunion, rather than this spot, “Out Damned Spot”. But today, tonight … all I can see is the last minutes she ever lived and try to imagine what she was thinking. This house (as with this life) will never be the same.